April 12, 2010

You were born on April 12, 2010, the team of Doctors decided their was not enough fluid surrounding you and it would be best to induce labor, so they started at 5:30 a.m. and you were delivered at 6:12 p.m. When you came into the world their was a NICU team there waiting your arrival, the Doctor quickly carried you over to the team and they just looked at you, and all your Daddy and I could hear were your wonderful lungs, crying into the world saying I have arrived, I am here and I am a force to be reckoned with. The team of NICU Doctors and Nurses just commented on how cute you were and quickly gave you back to us, laying you on my chest, and then you looked at me and my heart has never felt the same, you knew who I was as soon as they laid you on me. I imagined for so long who you would look like your Daddy or Me or a combination, and when I saw you, you exceeded all my expectations of beauty. I don't think I stopped crying all night, I was just so happy, and my heart was just filled with happiness. Your Daddy walked taller and prouder and the way that he said "His Daughter" couldn't have made me happier. Our payers were answered, you were still early by 4 weeks, but you were perfect and the 5 months of not moving and bed rest were all worth it, you didn't have to go to the NICU you came upstairs with us, and you left the hospital with us two days later. You changed our lives for the better the day you were born, and we are sure God exist because you exist.

Leading up to your Birth

The back story of the day you were born. Before I begin, I prayed to God that you were born anytime after April 9th, those were the best chances. Well on April 9th your Daddy and I went to the hospital to get a scan and to take out the cerclage. I was so excited to have the cerclage taken out, as soon as it was taken out we got to look at it, and it really looked like a piece of floss, we thought to ourselves that this piece of floss has kept you in all that time, that with a lot of prayers and were so thankful. We were then sent over to the ultrasound tech and there they found that there was low fluid surrounding you, from there we were admitted to the hospital and what an adventure that turned out to be. We stayed on the floor that I had spent two months earlier praying for you to stay, and this time we knew that you were going to be coming sooner than later, and were happy and not scared. The team of Doctors admitted us in the hospital to see if they could get the fluid back up, and if they couldn't they would induce me once I hit 36 weeks.
The adventure that came that night, there was a spill in the labor and delivery floor just one floor below us, and the smell warranted us being evacuated to another wing of the hospital. In retrospect it was just so comical. Your Daddy had just left to go get us some food and then the nurses come rushing in saying get your phone call your Husband your being evacuated, and they put me in a chair and rushed me to another wing. Of course your Daddy comes back and there are firemen and trucks everywhere and the wing where we were was completely shut down, think about how scared he must have been. There is never a dull story or a dull moment in bringing you into this world, but it doesn't matter because you were and are worth it all, and I wouldn't change anything because I have you.

Happy Birthday!

Today is the day that you will be born my miracle. We have hoped and prayed for you so long, your Daddy and I are sitting in labor and delivery right now just looking at each other in amazement that we made it this far ad that we are going to be having you in the next couple of hours. We are just so excited and have so much hope and love for you. You are our dream come true. The Doctor that is suppose to deliver you is Elizabeth Roberts and she is also excited for your arrival and she has worked very hard to make sure your arrival day would come. You are still early being born at 36 weeks 1 day, but we are praying that you are healthy. We have had quite an ordeal trying to get you hear and one day when you are old enough we will be able to laugh and joke about the events that led up to your birth day. All the nurses that took care of us while we were in the hospital for 2 months are so excited to see you and I can't wait to show you off. My hope for you right now is that you come out kicking and screaming and healthy and happy. I am going to let your Daddy add to this page, he is a little shy so just bear with him, you are his little girl and he doesn't want to make any mistakes!

Hi Kayla it's your Daddy! Today I am very nervous for you arrival, it has been quite a ride to get you this far. Your mommy and I have spent quite a few months in and out of the hospital to get to this day. And we have met lots of great people along the way that you will soon get to meet. I can't wait to meet you today and hold you in my arms. Just remember mommy and daddy don't always look like this, it's been a long weekend! And don't make fun of daddy for crying because I'm sure I will. Just make sure you come out screaming and kicking for us, and one last thing, I'm hoping you grow into your feet because there huge! Love you!

Be Thoughtful....

I had a friend of your Daddy's and mine come by yesterday and she came with her husband. Jamie and Noah Jones, they bought a gift for you and can I tell you how special it was. First let me tell you that we love these two very much but haven't been able to see them because life happens, but Jamie came to visit me a couple times in the hospital and had given me so much hope. Her husband Noah was born early at 28 weeks, and one day you will meet Mr. Noah and you will understand how wonderful he is, and knowing that he made it gave me so much hope when the Dr.'s would tell me of all the things that could be wrong with my child if born too early. Well anyways, Jamie made you this wonderful bag, I will show you pictures of it one day and you may not appreciate it until you get older but the inside pattern was made of limes and lemons, and the meaning was that your Daddy and I have made lemonade with the lemons we had been given, so incredibly thoughtful. She also made you a blanket with your name on it, and onesies with your initials and funny sayings for your Daddy and me, one day I will explain more, but for right now you are too young for those lessons just yet. The reason I feel that it is important to write about this is because, she will never know how much that meant to me, I will never throw away the kindness she shared with us, I will never question her intentions, I am just thankful for her being so thoughtful, she took the time out and made a difference. Please try and make a difference in someone's life, you may take it lightly but it does effect the way the other person is for a lifetime.

April Really...

I cannot believe that we made it to April, back in January we never thought we would get here, the Dr.'s and the staff look at us in amazement every time we walk through those doors, at first I was wheeling in after the hospital bedrest, my strength is coming back one day at a time. I made a cake for your Uncle Todd yesterday and thought to myself one day my Kayla and I will be making cakes for Daddy, and Uncle Todd, and all the people we love. I am not the best cook in the world but am willing to try anything and hope that you will be open to try and explore new things every day. I can tell you one thing I have learned on this earth is that you have to keep trying new things so that you can expand your mind, there are many times that I have met people and they turn their noses up at things they have never tried, and those closed minded people don't get far. When I entered my first race, inspired by my college housemate Mandy Hoeser Shifflett the guy at the training presentation asked a question that has somewhat in many ways changed my life, he asked "When was the last time you did something for the first time". I ask this to myself all the time, it challenges me to try new things, explore new challenges and impress myself by the things I really can do when I make an effort. So my darling baby always try new things, you will be impressed at how much you really can do.

34 weeks

I am so overjoyed that today I am 34 weeks, your Daddy and I are going to celebrate by going out to dinner. I have not been out to dinner since November trying to keep you cooking so that you can be healthy! On Tuesday they will be taking out my cerclage and then we will just wait and see when you will make your arrival. I was reading on my weekly updates and 34 weeks is another magical mark along this journey of what we have branded you as Kayla Grace. There are so many people praying for your safe arrival, there are so many people that already love you even though you have not met them yet. I am allowed to do modified bed rest now, but I still want to protect you and make sure you will be okay, I would walk a mile under fire to make sure you are okay; somehow I don't think that my incestuous worrying will stop when you are finally out. As I lay here right now, I am so thankful I was able to help your Daddy put together your room yesterday even if I was sitting down the entire time, but most of all I wonder what you are going to look like. Will you have my cheeks, my eyes, my lips? Will you have your Daddy's curly hair, his beautiful smile? What will your personality be like? Both your Dad and I are fun people in general but our motto in life has always been we work hard so we can play even harder. Whatever you look like you will be ours and you will be perfect, after all you are a Peay!

My Revelation

As a mother to be I find it funny how I will walk through fire, fight with doctors, and do my damnest to defy all odds when given a grim fate, but when it comes to my future I let someone tell me no and think twice.....The Mama within is going to be coming out in all aspects of my life and she is a force to be reckoned... with.....Kayla Grace has already become my hero and my inspiration.....

I am so filled with such emotion when I think of how much you have changed my life and I haven't met you, but I know you, I love you. I was talking to your Daddy the other day and he grew a little sad and I asked him why, he said honey I have seen you fight with doctors, calling them crying, and you not moving for months at a time to protect our child, I am afraid what would have happened if you didn't do all that. I looked back at him and said we are fighters, and we are Peay's, and we will know how to survive even when they try to pull us down.

32 weeks.....

Right now I am 32 weeks pregnant and cannot believe we have made it this far. I know I believe in miracles, but I never thought that I would be having one. 2 weeks ago I was released from the hospital and returned home, Daddy and I were so excited and scared all at the same time, we missed being able to listen to your heartbeat a couple of times a day, but we loved the idea of something normal like our beautiful home. When I left the hospital it was quite a day, my Alcatraz partner had her twins and she was being released the same time, so we bascially came in together and left together. Our nurses were all upset and happy to see us leave, her twins were born scheduled c section at 32 weeks and they were happy that I was still holding up. Before I left I wrote three letters, one to Krissy to thank her for helping me through a rough time and glad we were able to connect and that we shared a bond that no one could understand; one to the nurses because they were amazing and helped me through some dark days and gave me a reason to laugh when I needed it; lastly I wrote a letter to the next person in 383 because I think the room has magic powers and the last couple of women that had been in that room were all under dire circumstances and we all made it out safely even though the odds were against us.
I went to visit the doctors for my 32 week visit and the specialist Dr.Troyer said I am glad to see you, I checked your file to see if you delivered while I was gone, she was happy and amazed that I was still hanging on. My OB Dr. Roberts has changed her tune and happy when she sees me because she knows we can have a healthy baby. There game plan is to get me to 34 weeks and take out the stitch and bed rest will be lifted. I am so excited to be free and really hope I can stay pregnant for another 5 weeks. Here is to hoping that we make it to full term or at least 34 weeks.

The Circle of LIfe

I am constantly amazed at the never ending circle of life. Yesterday was February 23, 2010, I eargerly awaited all day the birth of my fellow hallmate of Alcatraz her miracle twins, and I found that someone at my College had passed away. These two little boys were downstairs ( my hallmate and I were both sentecnced to hospital bedrest around the same time an ironically I knew her) but my fellow Collegegian who lived a full life died. I am so amazed that we are born and then we do eventually die, but what I want to make so clear to myself, my family and espcially my daughter is that you have to be strong to be born because so many are lost so early on, but it is not just enough to be born, you have to do somethig with that life, I only want to live life with as little regret as possible, and to make a difference in the world. Do I think I will find the cure for cancer-no, but I do think that those who I come in contact with I can try to make a lasting impression so that both they are a little better than when I found them and that I am too. As your Mama always said you are the company that you keep, so keep good company.

Tips on Bedrest

Bedrest is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, it is so incredibly tough even for the most headstrong, stable, secure person you know. At first when I was put on bedrest I thought all the things I could do while on bedrest, little did I know. Everyone kept saying you are so lucky to not have to work and enjoy yourself, but when you are fighting for a life, there is no way you can relax. I would sit in my empty house before I got to the hospital and worry myself crazy, trying to watch tv, or a movie, something and even though I did nothing productive seconds turned into minutes, which turned into hours, which eventually turned into days, weeks, and months. I learned very early on that even though my world was crashing down around me that others lives still went on, even my Husbands. I also learned that you will be surprised by the kindness of others that you didn't know even cared about you, and sadly hurt and disappointed by those you thought were close to you. Through it all you learn that you have strength that you never knew you had, it comes from somewhere deep inside and even though it tests you to your very limits, you have to keep breathing, and keep your head up. Not every story is going to have a happy ending, but every story eventually does have an ending, and it is with dignity and grace that you have that you can proceed through this difficult time.
Something else very important that I learned is that me, even the most proudest person in the world, had to ask for help. This is not a situation where you hope that people guess what mood your in, you have to tell them and be direct. If you need company tell them, if you need food tell them, you will have plenty of time in your life to be a proud member of society, but at the time of bedrest you need someone to take care of you. Also remember not to feel sorry for yourself. This was one of the hardest things for me. I was so jealous of my wonderful pregnancy being ripped away from me, my tears often filled the room when no one was looking, and my pillow took a somber beating. I have angels that I prayed to every second of every day, and the thoughts of m future with my daughter and my past memories of holding my lifeless son. I felt as though my son was holding me and pushing me to gain strengt for his sister so she could have a chance that he never did.

We have to get back up

Today I was talking with your Daddy and we were discussing life, friends, and family. We have for the most part been very blessed to be successful in most things that we do. One thing that I have learned is that things don't always come easy. My motto has been I will fall but I have to get back up. We all don't just come out of the gates running at full force, we have to learn how to crawl, then walk, then eventually run. At each hurdle in life, we will fall and then get back up and keep going, but in life it will depend on long we let ourselves stay down that will determine what type of person we will be. There will be people in life that will get back up so quickly they don't understand how they got back up. You don't want to be this person, you have to learn from each fall so that you can take the next step and be more confident. You will meet people that stay down so long they won't know how to get back up, and will eventually stay down. Please don't be this person either. Again the person that I want you to be is the person that learns, heals, and grows with each fall; making it harder and harder to fall again, that eventually you become a powerhouse. I/We have incredible plans for the fighter we know that you can be; just believe, and know we have all the faith in the world.

Footprints

Your Grandmother loved this poem this often made her feel better so in turn I hope when times get rought this will make it easier for you.


Footprints
One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints,it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

God has sustained us, and God will continue to bless us, don't ever forget that God created you, and that you are nothing with out his prescence.

Hospital Bedrest

Hospital bed rest and bed rest in general has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in life. It has been the loneliest and scariest thing I could have imagined. Most people think laying in bed and watching television is like a dream vacation, but this has been far from that. When I came here at 22 weeks, they had given up hope, and didn't give us much change. Then we went to 24 weeks and still thought there was a small change, then we moved to 26 and then finally to 28 and as I type am hitting the 29 week mark. There have been so many prayers and tears that have filled these four walls, and somehow strength that has come truly from God, and an amazing amount of people that I will never be able to repay or even know for all their thoughts and prayers they have prayed for us as a family. The doctors and specialist have come in one by one and said that it is a miracle that I am still pregnant, and I know it has been through the grace of God. They have told me " the next time" but I want this time. I want this family, the three of us. Your in my plan and my own selfish love, I am so in love with a person that I cannot see but only feel. I know your heartbeat, I know your strength, you are apart of me, and I will always carry your heart in my heart, as I carry your Father's.

Fight...just fight

There are times in your life and you wonder how you are going to make it. You will think that you are the only one in the world that is going through whatever you are going through. I am sorry to tell you but your not. At any given moment there are thousands if not millions going through tough times. Don't forget when times get low that someone will always have it better than you and someone will always have it worse than you. When your Grandmother died, your Grandfather told me "Baby it will be okay, somebody has it worse than you so don't feel sad for yourself" I thought to myself how could someone be worse than how I felt at that very moment, but his message was this.....life is hard and you are allowed to feel sad at times but never pity. I have two amazing parents that loved me, and even more so loved each other and there was not a day that I had to question that. I too was made from love, and had two parents that fell more in love with each other every day that no one in this world could deny their love. They taught me love and how to love, in turn I will teach you. If you cannot open your heart to love and true emotion then you will live life sad and unhappy. Love may hurt because when it is gone it will feel like you are broken, but you will heal and love will be even better. I promise you that. Just fght, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep breathing one breath in and out and eventually it won't be so hard, and you will be able to win the battle of life.

Your Father

I met your Father in high school, yes, high school, and please don't rush to fall in love it will come. Your Father walked into my chemistry class (actually I transferred into his class) but I didn't know his name but at first sight I said that is the man I am going to marry, I think I was 16 or 17 what did I know. I didn't talk to him for a year or two, but being the smart over achievers we were both got into Advanced Biology our Senior Year, and the teacher made pretend we were birds mating and we had to go to each person in the room and talk about what our mating rituals would be, how about they even played the song "Lets Get it On" your father was very cocky, but then again so was I. He was the Drum Major and I was the star volleyball, track player and President of the Student Government, and Latin, and Key Club. Again I said we were over achievers. That one class changed our lives forever we talked and my heart melted and I was in love. No one could convince me that I was not going to marry your Father. He was everything, is everything that I have always dreamed of. He is a good man. He does the right things, and the one thing he does well is complete me. He is my strength when I am weak, and I am his strength when he is weak. I have no idea how in this world one could survive with out having the love and admiration for someone like I do your Father. There will be times in your life when you will wonder what kind of partner you should have. Look to your Father he is amazing in every way. He of course has his faults but his is so much more amazing. He has a lot to teach you, so listen to him even if you think your right.

Today is today and a good day

Today I sit here so amazingly happy and grateful for every day and hoping and praying for more to have this healthy baby girl, my baby, my Kayla Grace. Your Father named you Kayla Grace, Kayla is the meaning of one with God, and of course Grace has a two part meaning, one it is the name of your Great Grandmother Grace Elizabeth Baptist, one of the strongest woman I have ever known and so glad to call my family. There have been so many tears and prayers that have brought you this far, every day a Doctor and specialist come into the room they say what a miracle is that I am still pregnanat with you. We have so many people praying for you. My tears have been of fear for so long and now they have turned to tears of overwhelmingly happiness to know that every day you are one day safer. I never knew what people meant by the meaning of the love a child when you become a mother. I can honestly say I am so in love with someone I have never met from the outside but only know from the inside. I feel you and become so happy because I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. I know you will be a success after all you come from an incredible line of miracles. Later on I will tell you the story of your Grandmother and then me.......You were no accident but sent by God to do something wonderful.