The Circle of LIfe

I am constantly amazed at the never ending circle of life. Yesterday was February 23, 2010, I eargerly awaited all day the birth of my fellow hallmate of Alcatraz her miracle twins, and I found that someone at my College had passed away. These two little boys were downstairs ( my hallmate and I were both sentecnced to hospital bedrest around the same time an ironically I knew her) but my fellow Collegegian who lived a full life died. I am so amazed that we are born and then we do eventually die, but what I want to make so clear to myself, my family and espcially my daughter is that you have to be strong to be born because so many are lost so early on, but it is not just enough to be born, you have to do somethig with that life, I only want to live life with as little regret as possible, and to make a difference in the world. Do I think I will find the cure for cancer-no, but I do think that those who I come in contact with I can try to make a lasting impression so that both they are a little better than when I found them and that I am too. As your Mama always said you are the company that you keep, so keep good company.

Tips on Bedrest

Bedrest is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, it is so incredibly tough even for the most headstrong, stable, secure person you know. At first when I was put on bedrest I thought all the things I could do while on bedrest, little did I know. Everyone kept saying you are so lucky to not have to work and enjoy yourself, but when you are fighting for a life, there is no way you can relax. I would sit in my empty house before I got to the hospital and worry myself crazy, trying to watch tv, or a movie, something and even though I did nothing productive seconds turned into minutes, which turned into hours, which eventually turned into days, weeks, and months. I learned very early on that even though my world was crashing down around me that others lives still went on, even my Husbands. I also learned that you will be surprised by the kindness of others that you didn't know even cared about you, and sadly hurt and disappointed by those you thought were close to you. Through it all you learn that you have strength that you never knew you had, it comes from somewhere deep inside and even though it tests you to your very limits, you have to keep breathing, and keep your head up. Not every story is going to have a happy ending, but every story eventually does have an ending, and it is with dignity and grace that you have that you can proceed through this difficult time.
Something else very important that I learned is that me, even the most proudest person in the world, had to ask for help. This is not a situation where you hope that people guess what mood your in, you have to tell them and be direct. If you need company tell them, if you need food tell them, you will have plenty of time in your life to be a proud member of society, but at the time of bedrest you need someone to take care of you. Also remember not to feel sorry for yourself. This was one of the hardest things for me. I was so jealous of my wonderful pregnancy being ripped away from me, my tears often filled the room when no one was looking, and my pillow took a somber beating. I have angels that I prayed to every second of every day, and the thoughts of m future with my daughter and my past memories of holding my lifeless son. I felt as though my son was holding me and pushing me to gain strengt for his sister so she could have a chance that he never did.

We have to get back up

Today I was talking with your Daddy and we were discussing life, friends, and family. We have for the most part been very blessed to be successful in most things that we do. One thing that I have learned is that things don't always come easy. My motto has been I will fall but I have to get back up. We all don't just come out of the gates running at full force, we have to learn how to crawl, then walk, then eventually run. At each hurdle in life, we will fall and then get back up and keep going, but in life it will depend on long we let ourselves stay down that will determine what type of person we will be. There will be people in life that will get back up so quickly they don't understand how they got back up. You don't want to be this person, you have to learn from each fall so that you can take the next step and be more confident. You will meet people that stay down so long they won't know how to get back up, and will eventually stay down. Please don't be this person either. Again the person that I want you to be is the person that learns, heals, and grows with each fall; making it harder and harder to fall again, that eventually you become a powerhouse. I/We have incredible plans for the fighter we know that you can be; just believe, and know we have all the faith in the world.

Footprints

Your Grandmother loved this poem this often made her feel better so in turn I hope when times get rought this will make it easier for you.


Footprints
One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way,but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints,it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

God has sustained us, and God will continue to bless us, don't ever forget that God created you, and that you are nothing with out his prescence.

Hospital Bedrest

Hospital bed rest and bed rest in general has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in life. It has been the loneliest and scariest thing I could have imagined. Most people think laying in bed and watching television is like a dream vacation, but this has been far from that. When I came here at 22 weeks, they had given up hope, and didn't give us much change. Then we went to 24 weeks and still thought there was a small change, then we moved to 26 and then finally to 28 and as I type am hitting the 29 week mark. There have been so many prayers and tears that have filled these four walls, and somehow strength that has come truly from God, and an amazing amount of people that I will never be able to repay or even know for all their thoughts and prayers they have prayed for us as a family. The doctors and specialist have come in one by one and said that it is a miracle that I am still pregnant, and I know it has been through the grace of God. They have told me " the next time" but I want this time. I want this family, the three of us. Your in my plan and my own selfish love, I am so in love with a person that I cannot see but only feel. I know your heartbeat, I know your strength, you are apart of me, and I will always carry your heart in my heart, as I carry your Father's.

Fight...just fight

There are times in your life and you wonder how you are going to make it. You will think that you are the only one in the world that is going through whatever you are going through. I am sorry to tell you but your not. At any given moment there are thousands if not millions going through tough times. Don't forget when times get low that someone will always have it better than you and someone will always have it worse than you. When your Grandmother died, your Grandfather told me "Baby it will be okay, somebody has it worse than you so don't feel sad for yourself" I thought to myself how could someone be worse than how I felt at that very moment, but his message was this.....life is hard and you are allowed to feel sad at times but never pity. I have two amazing parents that loved me, and even more so loved each other and there was not a day that I had to question that. I too was made from love, and had two parents that fell more in love with each other every day that no one in this world could deny their love. They taught me love and how to love, in turn I will teach you. If you cannot open your heart to love and true emotion then you will live life sad and unhappy. Love may hurt because when it is gone it will feel like you are broken, but you will heal and love will be even better. I promise you that. Just fght, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep breathing one breath in and out and eventually it won't be so hard, and you will be able to win the battle of life.

Your Father

I met your Father in high school, yes, high school, and please don't rush to fall in love it will come. Your Father walked into my chemistry class (actually I transferred into his class) but I didn't know his name but at first sight I said that is the man I am going to marry, I think I was 16 or 17 what did I know. I didn't talk to him for a year or two, but being the smart over achievers we were both got into Advanced Biology our Senior Year, and the teacher made pretend we were birds mating and we had to go to each person in the room and talk about what our mating rituals would be, how about they even played the song "Lets Get it On" your father was very cocky, but then again so was I. He was the Drum Major and I was the star volleyball, track player and President of the Student Government, and Latin, and Key Club. Again I said we were over achievers. That one class changed our lives forever we talked and my heart melted and I was in love. No one could convince me that I was not going to marry your Father. He was everything, is everything that I have always dreamed of. He is a good man. He does the right things, and the one thing he does well is complete me. He is my strength when I am weak, and I am his strength when he is weak. I have no idea how in this world one could survive with out having the love and admiration for someone like I do your Father. There will be times in your life when you will wonder what kind of partner you should have. Look to your Father he is amazing in every way. He of course has his faults but his is so much more amazing. He has a lot to teach you, so listen to him even if you think your right.

Today is today and a good day

Today I sit here so amazingly happy and grateful for every day and hoping and praying for more to have this healthy baby girl, my baby, my Kayla Grace. Your Father named you Kayla Grace, Kayla is the meaning of one with God, and of course Grace has a two part meaning, one it is the name of your Great Grandmother Grace Elizabeth Baptist, one of the strongest woman I have ever known and so glad to call my family. There have been so many tears and prayers that have brought you this far, every day a Doctor and specialist come into the room they say what a miracle is that I am still pregnanat with you. We have so many people praying for you. My tears have been of fear for so long and now they have turned to tears of overwhelmingly happiness to know that every day you are one day safer. I never knew what people meant by the meaning of the love a child when you become a mother. I can honestly say I am so in love with someone I have never met from the outside but only know from the inside. I feel you and become so happy because I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. I know you will be a success after all you come from an incredible line of miracles. Later on I will tell you the story of your Grandmother and then me.......You were no accident but sent by God to do something wonderful.